July 31, 2006

Paul McCartney Divorce Gets Vaguely Nasty

Paul McCartney is getting on a bit, so as his marriage to Heather Mills McCartney fell apart, he probably just wanted to end things with a quick, quiet divorce and then watch Countdown in his comfy old chair.

However, it looks as if Heather Mills McCartney has a slightly different idea. Paul McCartney has finally decided to file for divorce against Heather, but she's responded with counterclaims in both England and America. This means that the Paul McCartney divorce is anticipated to become kinda nasty in the near future, though hopefully not as nasty as Heather Mills McCartney's hair in those pictures where she's laying on the floor kissing a German man's bondage whip.

Paul McCartney used to live in a happy little world where he was content to waggle his thumbs about in any situation, including the time he was beamed into space, the time he got ticked off at everyone in China or any of the thousands of times he's closed a concert by making the crowd sing the end of Hey Jude for upwards of six hours. But when Paul McCartney decided to split up with Heather Mills McCartney, his monoped wife of four years, Paul McCartney realised that not everything in life could be solved with a cheeky bob of the head and an anecdote about how brilliant John Lennon said he was once.

Now Paul McCartney has filed for divorce from Heather Mills McCartney citing 'unreasonable behaviour,' but Heather is said to want to fight Paul until she has so much money that she can build a giant golden statue of herself, a defiant look in her gleaming eye as another statue of a German man licks golden cream and cherries off of her knockers. Heather Mills McCartney is planning on filing counterclaims to the divorce in both England and America.

What this means is that, because Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement, Heather is setting out to get a giant slice of Paul's £800 million fortune. A long-term friend of Paul McCartney is quoted as saying:

"It's a battlefield and it has become mind-boggling, not just because of Paul's fame but because of the constant stream of stories. But now with Heather announcing she is prepared to fight, things are just going to get uglier."

But we're not sure how ugly the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills McCartney divorce is going to get. An ugly divorce is the David Hasselhoff divorce, where things start with claims of a husband calling a wife a "whore cunt bitch slut drug addict" and ends with the husband apparently wetting himself while staggering around an airport at 7am. Or the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce, which features implied paedophila and a cast that includes dead porn stars and the bloke from Bon Jovi. A one-legged woman chasing a Beatle's cash, now how ugly could that possibly get?

July 29, 2006

George Michael To Sue ‘Everyone’ Over Gay Hedge Fumble

This hasn't really been George Michael's week; a few photos of him emerging froma bush after apparently doing something gay with a van driver have spiraled out of control and - boy oh boy - is George Michael ever angry.

It's hard to imagine George Michael angry, since most of his songs show roughly the same amount of emotion as a shop dummy with intimacy issues, but all this talk of his gay cruising seems to have sent him over the edge. George Michael has sensed that phoning up Richard And Judy for a bit of a whinge hasn't really done the job, so he's launched an angry attack on the media during an interview with ITV news where he threatens to sue "pretty much everybody," which probably includes you for reading this with your eyes right now.

George Michael has had his fair share of problems in the past few months. Falling asleep in his car with a bunch of drugs on him was one of them, and crashing into a load of cars before driving off was another, but they've been completely overshadowed by the news that George Michael saunters down to Hampstead Heath now and then to feel up men in some shrubbery. That's not really news - George Michael has been open about doing that in the past - but the reports that George's boyfriend Kenny Goss had called off their forthcoming wedding because of his public indiscretion have made George Michael get his knickers in a twist.

First George Michael called Richard And Judy to tell them the wedding was still on, and reaffirm that he wasn't ashamed about gay cruising, but now he's decided to put his case to people who aren't students or unemployed, and has given an interview with Nina Hossain from ITV News to tell the world exactly how he feels:

"I have been doing this on and off since I was a teenager and never once seen violence. If I want to see violence or what I call shameful behaviour, the idea that women that in clubs these days have to hold their hand over their drink for fear of being drugged… Please don't tell me as a member of the straight community that I am taking risks. I know what I do and I am sorry but we should not be taking questions like this, from straight women in particular."

And, speaking about his future, George Michael told Hossain that:

"When media starts to put slurs on my relationship and indicate that my partner - who is perfectly happy with the way I live my life and the way we live our life together - that my partner is calling off our registered partnership and that I am having to buy him back with money: these kind of things are just unacceptable to me. I am really just here to say I have had enough really and I am going to have to take legal action against pretty much everybody involved."

Yeek! At this point, we were planning on saying something snippy about leaving George Michael alone so much that you all stopped buying his singles, but it looks like you've been doing that for eight years anyway. Still, there's always the haikus.

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Absolutely Breath Taking...
There are simply not enough words to describe how intelligent and wonderful Norah Jones' debut album, Come Away With Me, actually is. 8 million people must agree, because to date, Come Away With Me, has gone 8 times platinum, giving Norah Jones the honors of having the second biggest selling debut of all time (placing only one spot behind 50 Cent, whose album, Get Rich Or Die Tryin', has sold 11 million records to date.) At such a young age, Norah Jones has such a beautiful, intelligent voice, which could be described as both soft, and scratchy at the same time - the combination is simply breath taking. Norah Jones backing band, The Handsome Band, is nothing short of spectacular on this offering. All songs are in perfect harmony, and the instruments are played beyond well - good musicianship is so hard to find these days. Norah Jones' paino skills are unbelieveably good - some have suggested that Norah's style could be compared to that of fellow platinum female artist, Alicia Keys. Although I've said it 100 times before, this is without a dobut the best CD that I own - everytime I listen to it, I fall in love with it all over again. A music lovers must have!

July 28, 2006

Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere

Like most projects having to do with Grey Album producer Danger Mouse, this new Gnarls Barkley album is highly anticipated...on the Internet. Also, it may or may not be really popular in the UK. From what I understand, the first single "Crazy" was the first song ever to hit #1 in that country having only been released in online music stores.

But then I remember reading similar shit about Las Ketchup and whatever that Axel F ringtone bullshit was, so I'm not sure what to think.


Reminds me of whatever the single was from the Cee-Lo's first solo album, with the horns and what have you.


The 2006 version of [insert the name of something that became inexplicably popular on the Internet and also in foreign countries]. Or am I missing something?


Cee-Lo seems to indulge in all of his worst impulses on this title track. Like that thing he does where he sort of sing-rambles about god-knows-what. For his part, Danger Mouse's beat could've provided the song with more structure. As it is, it's just sort of a mess.


A sort of New Wave thing. Like "Turning Japanese" or something. Cee-Lo might not be as cut out for this sort of thing.


And it may take being Asian or something to appreciate Cee-Lo as a vocalist. He's not completely untalented, but bottom line is the guy's just not that good of a singer. Whatever attendant irony there is in that fact is mostly lost on me.


You know what would be really ironic? An R&B singer that could actually sing. I'd bust my gut laughing at that shit. Bwahahaha.


Cee-Lo actually does a little rapping here. The beat might be going for a sort of Asian thing, but it mainly comes off as a jumbled mess.


An ill-advised attempt at something a bit heavier in subject matter. I don't believe for a minute that Cee-Lo has considered suicide a day in his life. Fuck him.


Danger Mouse gets a bit too wacky for his own good with this track.


To its credit, the chorus to this isn't quite as lazy as the last several tracks here. Cee-Lo still mostly rambles through his verses though. Usually, you wish he'd either rap or sing - preferably rap.


Was this meant to be a skit? I couldn't make out most of what Cee-Lo was saying here.


Why is Cee-Lo rapping about fucking corpses? Fag!


DM cranks the BPM's, on some JJ Fad shit. But not so high that you don't notice how retarded this is.


I've told you once and I've told you twice. But you never listen to my advice. Well this will be the last time.

Duncan Sheik - White Limousine

This is not a new direction for Duncan, so if you are hoping to see a fit of artistic growth, well, go buy "29" by Ryan Adams. What you get here from Duncan is exactly what we have come to expect: lovely melodies, interesting and sometimes truly poetic lyrics, and --above all--craftsmanship in the production of his songs. For White Limousine, he kept some of the incisiveness of Humming, the intimacy of Phantom Moon, and even a bit of the commentary that bubbled under the surface (and sometimes boiled over) on Daylight. The strings and warmth that marked his first album have never been as lovely as they are here.

There is no standout song on this album, no obvious single, which I think is a strength. It seems that Duncan was focused on writing a collection of songs that worked well together. In this ambition, he has succeeded singularly. The structure of each song is perfectly supported by its arrangement, its production. There are a number of agreeable sonic surprises here, including some very nice effects on his voice and guitar.

Speaking of Duncan's voice, allow me to say that it has never sounded warmer. Time has done lovely things to his depth, his intonation, and even his power. The reedyness is still there when he pushes, but now he uses it instead of being trapped by it. The gentle lower ranges of his voice have become truly beautiful.

If you have enjoyed Duncan's past albums, this is one that will seem, almost instantly, as if you have heard it before. And that is perhaps one of the highest complement that you can give to an artist that has never been strikingly original, but who is always deeply consistent, highly thoughtful, and above all, capable of producing genuinely effective music listenable over the long term. Definitely recommended.

Avant - Director

Best known for his visually exciting lyrics and scintillating vocals, Avant eschews the trite sexuality common in most contemporary R&B for a timeless salute to romance in the tradition of classic soul musicians like Marvin Gaye, Smokey Robinson and Donny Hathaway. His music expressly respects women and honors relationships while still providing a sexy and explicit listening experience. For the past six years, Avant (born in 1978) has seduced audiences with soulful slow jams like Separated (the remix to which featured Kelly Rowland), My First Love, Makin' Good Love and Read Your Mind. The singer/songwriter wrote Separated based on his feelings following a failed romantic relationship. Emotional lyrics won the singer instant acclaim. When not stealing hearts with solos, the multi-platinum artist has stayed in the mix with cameos on Lloyd Banks' Karma and the Ying Yang Twins' Bedroom Boom, to name a few. He also appeared in the 2004 feature film Barbershop 2: Back in Business. On Avant's fourth and most fulfilling collection of music to date, the aptly titled Director, the smooth tenor brings us back to his private room to share thoughts of ecstasy.

July 27, 2006

Corinne Bailey Rae - Corinne Bailey Rae (2006)

Corinne Bailey Rae is the eponymous first album by British singer Corinne Bailey Rae. It was released in February 2006 in the UK and March in Europe. It went straight in at #1 on both the UK Top 75 Albums Chart and the UK R&B Album Chart.

"Like a Star", her debut single, was the first to be released from the album. The single was released in a limited edition format in 2005, peaking inside the UK top 40 at #34. The second single, "Put Your Records On", went straight into the UK Singles Chart at #2 in February 2006 and hit #1 in the UK R&B Singles Chart. Follow up single, "Trouble Sleeping", was released in May 2006, peaking at #40 in the UK and the fourth single will be a re-release of "Like a Star", which is due for release in October 2006 according to her official mailing list.

July 25, 2006

Lionel Richie All Upset At How Skinny Nicole Richie Is

There was a time when Lionel Richie was known primarily for making dumb videos with dreadful clay Lionel Richie heads, and then for singing tall tales about some people dancing on a ceiling. What Lionel Richie would give to go back to those glory days.

Now, you see, Lionel Richie's fame has been eclipsed by that of his adopted daughter Nicole Richie, who has made a living out of deliberately being shit at any job she's tried her hand at and never eating any food. And this has reduced Lionel Richie's status to a sort of permanent Nicole Richie weight commentator. So much so that Lionel Richie has given a TV interview where he's admitted being a "basket case" over Nicole Richie's skinny fame.

Lionel Richie famously wrote the song Ballerina Girl about Nicole Richie. However, if he was to write a song about Nicole Richie now, chances are it'd be called Fucking Hell Nicole Richie, Eat A Biscuit Or Something Would You? Because, once again, Lionel Richie is going spare at how skinny his daughter is. The last time any of this happened was when Nicole split up with her old fiance and Lionel put Nicole's weightloss down to stress.

Her father's worry finally made Nicole Richie admit that she was getting a bit skinny. It also made her start cracking on to 11-year-old boys, but that's probably less relevant. But despite acknowledging her problem, Lionel Richie is still worried by gossip about Nicole's skinny little belly, as he told Access Hollywood:

"I'll be honest with you, it hurts me more than it hurts her. I must tell you, I'm the basket case… what are fathers for if you can't point the finger every once in a while. I think the good part of it is she is aware of it… She has heard this all of her life from me, so this is just a continuation of the reminder."

Meanwhile, it's rumoured that Nicole Richie is following Paris Hilton's reggae flavoured lead and is taking steps to join the music industry. Probably as a mic stand.

July 24, 2006

Christina Aguilera - Back To Basics

Christina Aguilera has transformed her image and musical style with every album. With the new Back to Basics album, her musical style has changed from the urban and light rock sounds of Stripped to a soulful and jazz-inspired album. Aguilera has described her upcoming album as a urban soul record combining elements of 1920s, '30s and '40s blues and jazz with modern day influences.The album's title was confirmed in the March issue of Rolling Stone magazine, and Aguilera was featured in a cover story of ELLE UK magazine confirming her work with producers Mark Ronson and P. Diddy. The record finds her working with hip-hop producers DJ Premier, Kwame and Ronson for the first time. It will also find her working with Linda Perry, who worked with Aguilera on Stripped (2002). In February 2006 at MTV's TRL Awards, she previewed three unmastered tracks from the upcoming album including the first single, "Ain't No Other Man", the album's intro, "Back to Basics", as well as "Candy Man".