'Beyonce: ‘Eating Only Syrup Is A Bit Mental’

After describing how she managed to lose a stone in ten days by eating only maple syrup, gyrating popster Beyonce has urged her fellow ladies not to follow her diet.

Millions of chubby gals, you see, have been hankering after Beyonce's secret, so they can all lose weight 'the easy way' rather than anything involving any of that pesky exercise nonsense. But - after criticism from numerous health experts - Beyonce came over all shame-faced and regretful, announcing that:

"I would never recommend it (the diet) to anyone unless you are doing a movie and it's necessary, and you have proper help. There are ways to lose weight healthily if you want to lose weight, but this was for a film."

The film in question was the rubbish-sounding Dreamgirls, in which Beyonce stretches her limited acting chops to portray the role of a 'sixties soul diva'.

Still - does the filmic side of things make any difference? If Beyonce wants to exist on a diet of 'maple syrup mixed with water, lemon juice and cayenne pepper, which is drunk instead of meals', then why the bloody hell can't the rest of us?

WHY?

Ah. Let Beyonce explain all:

"It was no-one's suggestion I lost weight for the film, it was me who wanted to make a physical transformation. In Dreamgirls, [my character] Dina starts at 16 and then 20 years pass. Normally they'd change your make-up or your clothes but I wanted to go the extra mile. Back in the Sixties, models like Twiggy were popular and I knew Dina would have been thin then. So even though I really love eating, it was necessary to lose weight really fast because we shot Dina at 16 and Dina at 36 two weeks apart. My nutritionist suggested the only way to do that was the fast. As soon as it was over I gained the weight back."

Beyonce says that she is back to normal now, and really happy with her curves (odd part of the female vernacular, that - men usually tend to refer to their own 'curves' as 'flab'). Oddly she goes on to claim that it feels fantastic being 'voluptuous' again… strange, because even after the weight gain, Beyonce still looks so thin she could hula-hoop with a polo mint.

Still, why should people want to lose weight anyway? Wouldn't it be a boring world if we all looked the same? Besides, if there were no more large ladies left, there'd be no more opportunities for brilliant Channel 4 documentaries like last week's Fat Beauty Contest - montage after montage of catwalk-strutting Calorie-wolfers that made hecklerspray laugh like a monkey in a Tickling Booth.
And that just simply wouldn't do.