Madonna Escapes German Crucifixion Bust

Madonna is a woman who knows her rights. And Madonna knows that it's every woman's right to be able to sing a sad song about AIDS while dressed up like DiscoJesus on a big mirrored cross.

And nobody can stop Madonna performing this fundamental duty - especially not German prosecutors. Before Madonna took her tour to Germany there were claims that she might be banged up for insulting all the German Christians with her crucifixion act, but the prosecutors have now decided that they won't investigate Madonna's stunt. And who can blame them - it's a foolish organisation that messes with the gnarled hands and deplorably unsuitable leotards of Madonna.

It's strange what going on tour can do to a person - just look at Madonna. Before she set off on her Confessions tour, Madonna was the hernia-ridden old lady who lied to her children about being gay and pretended to be a member of the English gentry in between being all barmy and religious. But since Madonna set off her new world tour, she's been dipping her claws in bronze, making all kinds of weird toilet demands and possibly stealing another woman's hands. Oh yeah, and pretending to be Jesus.

Even though the part of her concert that should be attracting all the outrage is the bit where Madonna dresses up in all that purple spandex - or the bit where people realise they've paid £150 to see a 48-year-old woman sing songs from her rubbish new album - the segment of Madonna's Confessions world tour that has stoked up the most anger so far has come when Madonna goes and puts on a thorny crown and sings Live To Tell on a giant crucifix backed by AIDS statistics. The Church of England hated the stunt, even though Madonna thought that Jesus would be cool with it, and even Italy's Catholics, Jews and Muslims joined forces to condemn Madonna.

Germany went the whole hog, though, and threatened to prosecute Madonna if she did the big crucifixion thing in the country. Only threatened to, mind you - on Sunday Madonna played her first show in Dusseldorf, complete with scary crucifixion bit, and there wasn't even the slightest whiff of prosecution from the Germans. The big wusses.

German spokesman Johannes Mocken said that Madonna couldn't be prosecuted because a) Madonna was covered by German artistic freedom legislation and b) dressing up as Jesus, climbing aboard an enormous silver cross and singing a lyrically vague song while pictures of sad Africans flash up behind you isn't actually against the law. Even though it probably should be.